You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
