I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Randomize
