Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
