I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
