Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
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