just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
