bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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