I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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