So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Randomize
