i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
did i just pee glitter
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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