I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
