the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
