I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
