I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
