Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
