GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
