Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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