I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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