what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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