just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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