You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Can't talk, ducks in the car
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