Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
