If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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