if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
