You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
