does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
