Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
