i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
