I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Randomize
