this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
