How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
