I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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