Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
