I could make wine with my vomit
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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