My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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