are you still at the devil's house?
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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