I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
