What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
