remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
