If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize