so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
