Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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