But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
