your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
