I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
and she was petting her beer can
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
