soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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