Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
