Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
