Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
