3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
