can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
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